The Five Stages
by Briar Elwood
Summary: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Short glimpses into two times that Fiona had to struggle through each of these stages. Eventual Mike/Fi elements.
1. Denial: Claire

They were wrong. All of them. Fiona refused to believe them. Who were "they", exactly? Anyone, she supposed. Everyone. Everyone who tried to convince her that this terrible nightmare was true. It couldn't be true. If it was true, that would mean those stories that she read about in the paper and heard about on the news and saw happening all around her had suddenly overtaken her life. She was a story now. Fiona was a story.

But Fiona knew she wasn't a story. She was a person. A real live human being. She was Fiona. So, therefore, they were wrong. They were lying. Why would they lie to her, though? Why do this? Her mother, her father, her brothers... All liars.

Claire. Claire would tell her the truth. Claire would always tell her the truth, even if it was painful. But Claire wasn't there.

Then... Then maybe... Maybe they weren't lying.

But Claire couldn't be dead.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	2. Anger: Claire

He needed a name. A name, a face, _something._ Fiona needed to be able to blame him. That damned English soldier. The bastard. If he had a name, if she knew who he was, she could blame him. She could hunt him down and kill him. Slowly. But she didn't know who he was.

So it was her fault. And, really, it _was_ her fault. She'd spilled the cranberry juice. She'd said those harsh words. She'd made Claire angry enough that Claire had stormed out the house... never to return.

But Fiona couldn't think about that. She knew it wasn't just her fault. The soldier had been the one who'd stopped Claire from tasting the bread pudding. So the soldier needed to die. And since Fiona didn't know who he was, his friends and countrymen needed to die.

So Fiona joined the IRA and fell in love with guns and explosions. Guns and explosions were loud and angry. Guns and explosions could drown her guilt. Guns and explosions could help revenge. The only thing guns and explosions couldn't do was bring Claire back.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	3. Bargaining: Claire

The first few months the IRA had acquired the services of one Fiona Glenanne there was a path of destruction in her wake. The IRA was always a violent group but Fiona seemed to take it to a new level. Her comrades wondered if she ever slept or ate. She always was on the move, never taking the time to revel in the success of a robbery or a bombing.

The truth was, Fiona had somehow convinced herself that this trail of empty safe deposits and crumbled buildings would fill the hole Claire had left behind. She understood Claire was dead. She might not quite accept it, but she understood it. But... But maybe by screwing with the English who'd killed her, Fiona could, in some twisted sense of the word, avenge Claire. When Fiona actually thought about it, she knew there was no logic in this, but Fiona usually tried too hard to keep herself busy to actually think.

This period of Fiona's life was also the last time she ever went to church. She prayed... no, she pleaded and begged that somehow God might bring Claire back. That Fiona would wake up. That it would turn out it was some other girl who'd been shot and Claire was just... in hiding or something. God was supposed to perform miracles, right? Why couldn't Fiona just have this one miracle granted for herself?

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	4. Depression: Claire

Fiona was cold.

This wasn't really a surprise since it was the dead of December. The wind was nipping at her face as she hiked the familiar mountain. She knew her cheeks were probably a bright red but she wasn't quite sure she cared. It was cold enough and the air was thin enough that it had started to hurt to breathe normally. But, again, Fiona wasn't certain that she cared.

Tears were welling in her eyes. Stubborn as always, she attributed to the wind and cold, but deep down she knew it was more than that. In just a couple days she would be celebrating her first Christmas without Claire. Fiona's thoughts were swirling around in circles, all focusing on how she so sorely missed her little sister. Her brothers had tried to point out she wasn't the only one grieving, but Fiona wasn't going to listen.

Instead, she simply wallowed in her misery. She didn't know what else to do.

_A/N: In case you haven't heard yet, classes start Tuesday for me so updates will be even more scattered. I apologize for this and hope you will continue reading._

_I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	5. Acceptance: Claire

Fiona always had thought that acceptance meant it didn't hurt anymore. Acceptance meant she didn't have dreams of better times and wake up crying. Acceptance meant she could forget and pretend nothing ever happened.

But eventually Fiona realized she was wrong. Acceptance meant she still hurt, she still could feel something missing, but she could move on with her life. Acceptance meant she didn't spend every waking moment thinking of Claire. Acceptance meant she didn't have dreams of Claire every night.

Acceptance meant she was okay.

_A/N: No, it's not done yet. Next is when Michael left._

_I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	6. Denial: Michael

It actually took Fiona a long time to even begin to realize that she'd been abandoned. He'd just stepped out to get them breakfast. He had a job to do. He had some unfinished business to take care of.

He'd been gone for long periods of time before. True, he always let her know beforehand but maybe this was last minute. But why wouldn't he have woken her up to let her know? Maybe he was just being curteous. What about a note?

That one she couldn't come up with an excuse for. But she couldn't give up. Not on him.

Not Michael.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	7. Anger: Michael

Years after she woke to a strangely cold bed, Fiona still couldn't tell you when she got angry. All she knew was that she was angry. Seething was perhaps a better word. She really wanted nothing more than to track McBride... Westen... whoever he was... down and strangle him with her bare hands. Then set him up with a copious amount of explosives. And blow a bunch of large holes in him with a machine gun.

For days, months even, she saw everything in red. Every job she pulled was in the hopes that somehow it would be related to the man who had shredded her already broken heart. That somehow the job would destroy his career, his life.

Yet, deep down, Fiona knew that revenge wouldn't fill the ragged hole Michael had left.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	8. Bargaining: Michael

The worst about it all was the fact Fiona really didn't know why he had just up and left. Disappeared. If she thought about it logically she could say it was most likely because of something to do with the job he was doing in Ireland at the time. Maybe he'd finished the job and was called away quickly to do something else. Maybe the something else was extremely important and unexpected.

Or maybe she'd said something. Done something. They had seemed happy... But he lied for a living. Could she really be sure that he had loved her?

If only she could find him. See him again. Talk to him. Find out why he'd left.

And then maybe... maybe he wouldn't leave. Things would go back to the way they were. Fiona could be happy again.

That's all she wanted. One last chance to understand.


	9. Depression: Michael

Fiona never cried when Michael left. Usually it was because she was just too damn angry to cry. But there were times... There were times she felt utterly numb. It got her in trouble sometimes which, she supposed, was the reason she left the IRA. It had always been her anger that had driven her actions before, but when she fell in a stupor she just didn't feel like robbing banks and making explosives for her countrymen.

Instead of going freelance right away, she took a few weeks off. She pointedly avoided anywhere that reminded her of him and traveled. She visited India, Greece, Brazil and spent sleepless nights wide-eyed staring at unfamiliar ceilings. She cut off most ties at home, both professionally and personally. Then she started her life over once more.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	10. Acceptance: Michael

Fiona didn't realize it for the longest time, but she never really accepted losing Michael until many years later. Instead, she simply tucked the pain and anger away and forgot. She lost herself in her work and became quite the productive gun runner because of it. Then one day she got a call. Nice Cuban woman letting her know that a badly hurt Michael Westen had been dropped off at her hotel.

Fiona hated to admit it, but her heart practically jumped to her throat at the name she hadn't thought of in years. She thanked the woman and hopped on the next plane to Miami, suddenly remembering the intense anger and betrayal she felt towards him.

Then she really didn't need to accept the loss. She just needed to forgive him. And, eventually, she did.

_A/N: Thank you to everyone who has, is and will read/review! I love you all!_

_I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


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